A thought. Have you ever considered grief good in any way, shape or form? For three and a half years you’re locked in combat with yourself, and the world around you as it changes. In time all things adapt, and somehow we open our eyes and learn something different, that you are indeed changed by your grief experience and you are therefore, different; newer, stronger, wiser and hopefully more loving and compassionate. Should we thank grief for allowing us to experience all that is different in our world? Have we in the grief process evolved into who we were meant to be? We got a push or a shove on this journey…has it turned out in any way more than you could ever have envisioned for yourself?
Loss is devastating and we’re never prepared, even following caretaking over an extended period of illness. We need to talk about it more, to help bring each of us, the ill and the caretaker and family, to a more accepting, peaceful, loving and accepting conclusion. But it is difficult.
Today in the mail I received the latest State Quarter, Oklahoma. While he was ill my husband had ordered a 50 US Quarter Dollar Wall Frame and the quarters would arrive regularly when they were issued, in uncirculated condition, and he would place the new quarter in the appropriate slot in the wall frame.
The first time a quarter arrived after he had passed away, (I think it was Alabama) I recall looking at that quarter, wondering if I was supposed to make a payment or notify somebody.
When I called the company they assured me the Wall Frame had been paid in full, and I would keep receiving the quarters on schedule, until all 50 slots were filled. At the time and the six months before my husband’s passing, the quarters arrived, but I was so busy seeing to daily life as a caretaker, the quarters melted away somewhere. I never did find them. The company was kind enough to send me replacement quarters for the 4 I could not locate.
Now, just two months shy of four years of my husband’s passing, the quarter set is almost complete, and will be finished at the end of this year, 2008. There will be no more quarters arriving.
I’m sure when my husband first ordered this quarter set, he had no thoughts of not being here to see it finished. That’s like a lot of stuff in your life, you expect one thing, but something else happens. That’s just the way it is. So you adjust, in time, you move ahead, the best you can, and your life goes on.
For me one of the most beautiful gifts are my three boys, next, are my life experiences and where they’ve led me and will lead me in the future. Today is wonderful, with all its strife and joy, but all the tomorrows are a gift yet to be unwrapped….
One of my decisions to take life by the horns and not sit still involves dance lessons I’ve been taking since January. Swing dance, jitterbug. I’ve always envied people who could dance and look good out on the dance floor, and since taking lessons myself, I’ve developed more confidence in myself as a dancing partner. I love to dance, and this past Saturday I attended a vintage dress swing dance party. I was one of the first to arrive and there ended up being about seventy people, men and women, in attendance. I had a great time and danced so much I developed a blister on my one heel. So, next step is to buy the proper swing dance shoes so this doesn’t happen again. I wore a beautiful dress that looked the vintage part, it was a deep midnight blue, overlaid with black lace, cap sleeves, handkerchief hem dress I bought to wear for New Year’s Eve, but I never went out for New Years, so I got to wear it for the first time on Saturday.
I received lots of compliments on it and while dressy, it fit well in with the dance theme. I danced with many of the guys I’ve been taking dance lessons with, but also with other men who were more advanced dancers, and it was great fun. I learned some new moves which was the best part, and found out I could cut a pretty good swathe on the dance floor. I had made up my mind before I went that I was going to have a good time, and that is exactly what happened.
My book is finally going to print this week. It feels like it’s been a long process, but it has really been a great learning experience. I am so glad I decided to take control of this project and put it out there myself. It’s been incredibly rewarding. The designer inserted the testimonials for me into the text of the book, about 24 of them in all, and also added two on the front and back cover. I am very excited about this and can’t wait to see the final book. Actual publication is still scheduled for June of this year, but it’s growing ever closer. I am in the process of writing new articles related to dating after loss and the loss of a spouse. I’m also considering creating some new videos for some of my grief related articles.
I’ve almost felt like I was stuck this week in some kind of limbo, but thankfully that feeling has passed. I love charging through my days and getting lots accomplished, that’s who I have always been, but when I get struck by this inertia, I hate it. So, life is moving forward once more, each day a new adventure. Meanwhile, I’m doing my best to keep on top of the marketing and pubicity. I search out other grief related blogs and connect with others in this grief experience. It’s been very rewarding, and only time will tell the final outcome. Soon, I will be setting up an account on Amazon and my book will be available at all online stores.
I found an incredible page today, http://www.maureensmission.org and there is a video from Maureen Thiel, who died from breast cancer, about her misdiagnosis for many years of breast cancer.
It is a heartrending story, and a story that is still happening to many women today, who die from breast cancer due to lack of proper testing and doctors not paying attention to sometimes very obvious symptoms.
This is a video every woman should see, especially anyone who has ever been told the breast lump is only a cyst, or nothing to worry about. There is a serious gap in health coverage today, and Maureen’s surviving spouse, William Thiel, is trying to bring this “lack” in our system to everyone’s attention. There is a wealth of information on this site. Please visit this site for your own information and for every woman you know.
saw a movie today, entitled Wings of Desire. It’s the movie that City of Angels was no doubt based upon, where an angel decides to give up his heavenly duties and come to earth to love a mortal. It was better than City of Angels in that it didn’t have the typical Hollywood ending, where they feel they have to kill someone off at the end and get the last bit of angst out of the audience. This movie was mostly in subtitles and German, I believe, but nonetheless I found it very intriguing. It began pretty darkly, but ended up much better. At one point the woman the angel falls in love with says she just wants someone to say they love her wonderful today. Some days that’s how I feel.
I came upon an interesting post today at http://theviewfromhere.wordpress.com
It brought up the subject of funerals, death and dying….and being honest with kids. My thoughts on the matter are it’s thought provoking — trying to give kids information without giving them too much information to scare them, but be honest. I never wanted my kids to feel they’re prohibited from asking questions they need to be answered.
We all handle/filter the death process differently, but I tend to agree that kids need the truth, as hard as it is sometimes. At my mother-in-law’s funeral, my then 9 year old wanted to play one last song for his grandmother, and he did this while 3 tears dropped onto his fiddle at the gravesite. When his dad passed away a year later and we scattered his ashes, my son played another song, but up in our field behind our house. It was his way to say a final goodbye, but we all know know that is only the beginning of the grief process.
I recall a many moments after I lost my husband, thinking, What am I going to do with the rest of my life? I recall that bone deep numbness, that total disinterest in life. I didn’t care if I ate, didn’t care that it was a beautiful sunny day outside, all I could think about was my lack of interest in life and my missing the life I’d had, my husband and our three boys. Gradually, with time, you do begin to feel again, you begin to experience joy and life. I knew I had to keep it together, if only for my boys. So be assured, in your own way and your own time, you will heal and love life again. It isn’t a steady one, two three, but in small steps some days and bigger strides other days. Some days you go backward, but you just keep trying to move forward. I talked with my boys about their father, and we would laugh and reminisce about silly things that had happened in the past. That in itself became a healing process, not being afraid to talk and remember. It will all come in time.
