Elaine Williams copyright 2008
When a relationship ends due to one partner dying, what is the correct time period to begin dating again? Grief is such a funny, unpredictable animal. Many people in years’ past think a year is a suitable time to wait before incorporating life changes, and yet for many of us, a year into our loss – we’re barely getting started on our grief journey. My experience has been that people and perhaps society as a whole, do not allow enough time or thought to the actual grief process. There is no quick fix or “getting over it” and moving on. We all move through grief in our own ways and means. There is nothing by formula that we can follow or hope to happen. Talking with others who have experienced a similar loss is definitely a plus.
Some days the road is more difficult than others days. At times, you feel enveloped in a mist of uncertainty. Even small decisions can sometimes stretch past your point of coping.
Personal decisions are just that, personal. What is suitable for anyone must be decided individually. Sometimes you have to let go of preconceived notions of the correct way to act and grieve.
I began dating too early, about a year after my husband passed away. I was incredibly lonely and in a real oxymoron, I was determined to be happy again, at any cost to myself. So, I started dating through online sites and I kept attracting the wrong type of man. Takers, emotionally unavailable, surface daters, serial daters, men who mirrored my own uncertainty about my readiness to date again.
None of these connections turned out to be anything substantial. In a fog of grief, I yearned to find someone to love, and yet I knew these men were wrong for me. They were just a short ride on a ferry to nowhere special. It was brought home to me gradually, through my dating experiences, that I had to value myself more than what I was doing. I couldn’t settle with a partner just to have someone in my life. I deserved more. My dates deserved more than someone still traveling through grief.
In those early days, I was as unavailable as the men I dated. If I had realized this, perhaps I would have run fast in the opposite direction, but in two instances I hung on to a flagging relationship, hoping things would change. Of course they did not.
Gradually, I came to realize that I had to stop setting myself up for disappointment in relationships. How could I attract the right partner, unless I was equally ready for a commitment?
I made the decision to bring my standards up to a new level and part of this process involved not dating for over a year. Only then did I start meeting the quality of man that my higher consciousness demanded. I was no longer wasting my time, or theirs, in surface dating, where both of us knows after one date there is no chemistry or real interest.
We all deserve better for ourselves than settling in a relationship just to alleviate the loneliness. It is difficult being alone when you are used to so much more, but I have chosen to remain so until the right partner comes along. For me, there is no other choice. http://www.ajourneywelltaken.com
no matter how hard it may seem for you to pick up the pieces, you can always take on a new journey towards self-recovery. depending on how you look at it, having loss your spouse can teach you to start anew… to handle grief, cope and beat the odds no matter painful it is.
-Joanne
Comment by Dating — March 4, 2008 @ 4:58 am |
Hi Joanne: Thank you for stopping by and commenting. Yes, you’re absolutely right..and that is what my last four years, and therefore “A Journey Well Taken: Life After Loss” is all about, finding myself once more, as many widows do, and creating a new life based on the person I have become and was meant to be. elaine
Comment by ajourneywelltaken — March 4, 2008 @ 8:09 pm |
Your welcome Elaine! =) Your site is truly uplifting. Keep it up and continue inspiring people esp to widows!
Comment by Dating — March 14, 2008 @ 7:21 am |
I don’t think I’ll ever date anyone. Nobody could cast a shadow on the perfection my lovely wife had.
Jeff
Comment by masteroftheuniverse — March 19, 2008 @ 12:49 am |
Hi Jeff: Thanks for stopping by. We all deal with this thing called grief and living in the way that is best for each of us. I wish you luck. May you be well. elaine
Comment by ajourneywelltaken — March 19, 2008 @ 12:56 am |
Dating seems like such a big word after being married for twenty odd years. Moving on may not be moving on at all for some folks. I myself will not move on to married or any relationship after Bill (my husband) passes. God forbid! I like to think we were together for more purpose than physical contact. Nevertheless each person is different and only time tells as time is different for each person. Nice post I enjoyed reading it.
Comment by Cindy — April 27, 2008 @ 9:10 pm |
Hi Cindy: I agree, dating seems kind of an inappropriate word to attach to what happens at this time in mid life,(me at 50).I think in the big picture there is more to dating, and being with someone than the physical aspect. To me it’s that sharing, the communication, just having someone there that you know cares about you. Thanks for stopping by.
Comment by ajourneywelltaken — April 27, 2008 @ 9:14 pm |
This is such a valubale post, as are all the comments. Thank you all!
There are so many layers to this and so much of it is about what we think we know about ourselves, what we think we know about our feelings, what we think we know about our future, what we think dating is.
So many of our thoughts are just – thoughts. We, our feelings, our world are so much more complex, so much richer in color. It’s never something we can predict or put in a box, but we can try to flow with it.
I’d like to write much more about all this. Will do so in the future, if not here then at my Creating Relationships blog.
Thanks again
Halina
Comment by Halina Goldstein — May 8, 2008 @ 5:48 am |
Halina: Thank you for stopping. You are so right, there are layers upon layers in all areas of our life. Nicely put! elaine
Comment by ajourneywelltaken — May 8, 2008 @ 1:35 pm |
But then, life must go on..
Time does heal all wounds.
Comment by Dating Tips Guy — August 21, 2008 @ 3:13 pm |
Thanks for stopping by. At least we resume life and there develops a new kind of normal, but I know we never forget. You can’t forget or be expected to forget someone who was part of your life in such an integral way.
Comment by ajourneywelltaken — August 21, 2008 @ 4:53 pm |
[...] Dating After Loss of a Spouse: Read Elaine Williams’ blog entry about grieving for a spouse and understanding when you’re ready to move on. [...]
Pingback by Love in Your Later Years: 100 Sex and Dating Tips for Seniors | Senior Communities Blog — December 1, 2008 @ 8:03 pm |
Thanks for sharing your story, I have copied your post into my forum of my dating site, as we have a few people who lost partners and are not sure if they are ready to start again yet.
Not something anyone can really write about unless they have lived through it. I am sorry for your loss but glad to hear you were able to move on.
Comment by Rural Dating — January 8, 2009 @ 12:19 am |
Thank you for stopping by, and thanks for placing my article on your site. elaine
Comment by ajourneywelltaken — January 8, 2009 @ 1:05 am |
Having just lost my wife of 25 years this past October my challenge is dealing with the combination of overwhelming grief and deep loneliness. While I am fully embracing my grief. I am struggling with loneliness. I am certainly not interested in dating/relationships but would welcome ideas as to how I can combat loneliness.
Comment by Neil — January 18, 2009 @ 2:14 am |
Hi Neil: I am sorry for your loss. I do understand very well that deep well of lonely emptiness. Having been married 20 years, together 23 years, I felt lost and floundering when my husband passed away.
What I can tell you is what I did. If friends invited me out for dinner or over to their house, I would go for brief periods, whatever I felt comfortable with. I had always been interested in dancing, but never took lessons. One day I decided to try it and paid for one course of lessons, once a week for a month. I had fun, indulged in something relatively inexpensive that was of interest to me, and a year later I am still dancing.
Many times there’s things to do around you, if we just take a look. It might be something as simple as coffee with a friend. Taking a class at the local college.Joining a hiking or kayaking group, if that’s what you enjoy.
I also enjoy photography and took a digital camera class. Grief sometimes makes you feel like you don’t want to leave the house, don’t want to even talk to people at times. It’s difficult for even loved ones who have not experienced this loss, to understand what you are going through. But there is a way to gradually establish a new “normal” without feeling guilty or shutting yourself away.
Take it very slow, and treat yourself to something you enjoy, even if it’s only once in a while. I would find one thing that interests you and you think you might like to do, even on a short term basis. It’s okay to be alone, but do try to get out from time to time and interact with others. There’s nothing wrong with feeling joy for a few hours, though I know sometimes you wonder how could you ever feel joy again.
Don’t force yourself to be social if you don’t feel like it, but do know there will be days when you want to interact with others. It is your call, and I wish you the very best. Elaine
Comment by ajourneywelltaken — January 19, 2009 @ 2:24 am |
i think that there is a lot of pressure from society in general to find a mate, and for the most part we are influenced by it. but i also think living without a partner is perfectly natural. especially in the latter years of life when we are set in our ways and are less likely to want to adapt to the expectations of another. i have not dated for years, and i enjoy the solitary life now.
Comment by Dating Books For Men — May 14, 2009 @ 7:36 pm |
Thanks for stopping by. This may be true about the pressure, but it ends up being an individual choice. Some prefer to remain single, while others would like a significant other in their lives, no matter what shape or form that relatinship takes and no matter what age they are. elaine
Comment by ajourneywelltaken — May 14, 2009 @ 7:40 pm |
hi guys ,i lost my wife and child on the same day,at first i could not cope,thank god i have realised my loss,i have to move on step by step its a process.i know shes out there looking out for me to be happy,and eventually find someone to be with,i know i cant get someone to fill her shoes ,but at least someone to make me happy.imagine how she would feel me being lonely and sad .the sooner u start mixing with people just to keep yourself occupied the better,serious relationships have to be worked on over time,so take your time a journey of a thousand miles starts with one step .thanks for a good topic
Comment by elvy — June 24, 2009 @ 8:12 am |
Hi Elvy: I am sorry for your loss. Thank you for stopping by. You have the right idea. Take your time, you can find happiness and fulfillment once more, and I wish you the best. elaine
Comment by ajourneywelltaken — June 24, 2009 @ 5:00 pm |